So, Kyle said I couldn’t pick Gabara for every slot, but after three rewrites I’ve finally got an article we can all be proud of. These are in no particular order, just a freestyle listicle. Like Jazz! I know you’ve all been worrying about what I think about specific suits from the franchise since you first heard my completely unremarkable voice, so here we go.

The Worst!

1. Final Goji

Look at him. Just a little hint of a goiter.

I actually don’t hate the design so much. He’s not my favorite, but he checks a lot of my boxes. He’s got ears, big exaggerated fins, he’s reasonably fearsome. But the movie was just not nearly as awesome as it should have been and it kinda put a bad taste in my mouth as far as the suit design. This Goji fought almost everyone (sorry Varan) and had the super cool curly-fry atomic beam, but every fight was so blink-and-you’ll-miss-it, and I don’t care about the suit because I’m petty and I want to hurt the directors feelings a little bit. So...take that, Kitamura!

2. Daisenso Goji

Oh dear...

What is that? What happened to him? He was in two films? Alongside the illustrious and legendary Ebirah? Who's responsible for this? Who did this? Why was I not consulted? Did you not get my letters, Toho? Did I not sent you every number with which you could reach me? I didn’t. But I would.

Not now Goji

3. 84 Goji

Old new goji

This, ladies and germs, is what they chose to reboot the franchise. I really like ‘84, it was one of the first Godzilla movies I ever saw, and I love the return to a scary Goji. But his eyes. His eyes! He looks so exasperated. He looks like someone showed him the script to Transformers 16: Back to School, where Optimus Prime has to go undercover as a 16-year-old and falls in love with his math teacher.

The Best!

1. RadoGoji

Yes yes YES!!!

Look at him! Massive! Powerful! Big Boy! He’s a big 80’s wrestler! With a winning smile!

He makes me feel like I can do anything.

2. KinGoji

A true classic. Like Casablanca, or Weekend at Bernies.

He’s got a pointy head and fingers that stick together, and he’s physically incapable of looking forward with his little eyes, but he’s such a charming boy!

He likes hugs!

And Friendship!

3. Sokogeki Goji

War-is-Hell Goji

Scariest Goji. He’s basically a Dark Souls boss. This Goji’s made of tormented souls and hatred because Toho wanted to make anti-Mothra, and if you don't love that I don't know how to make you happy. He also let Ghidorah play the hero! That’s important for all the three-headed kids out there.